I’ve been tossing words around in my head for months, unsure of how exactly to tell you guys the news. Nothing I come up with seems to capture what I really feel, nothing even comes close. God is at work, of that I am sure. And all at once I feel so small in comparison to His greatness, yet so handpicked to be part of His plan. I feel dwarfed by the universe He created, yet so uniquely designed for this very moment.
Music and lyrics have a wonderful way of bringing to life feelings I can’t uncover myself. Hunter Hayes does it well in his song, Saint or a Sinner:
I love You, there’s no secret why.
But the reasons You love me are harder to find.
It doesn’t add up, at least not to me . . .
But somehow You see who I’m trying to be.
This year I’ll hit five years of blogging here. I’ve spent half my thirties with you folks, ripping my heart open and spilling out the good, the bad, and the ugly of being single. I’ve shared of dashed hopes, burning desires, wounded confidence, relentless dreams. I’ve learned more than ever that, despite it all, God somehow sees who I’m trying to be.
And, to be clear, it’s not someone’s girlfriend. It’s not someone’s wife.
Would I love to be married one day? Yes. But what I’ve been trying to express in sometimes terribly crafted and rambling blog posts is that who I’m trying to be goes so much deeper than that.
I want to love because I am loved.
I want to forgive because I am forgiven.
I want to be that kind of person.
And I want to lead others to do the same.
With these desires, God has been shaping my heart and preparing my steps to take the biggest leap of my life. In 2016, I will dive into the adventure of motherhood through adoption, building my forever family with a group of young siblings from overseas. Typing it here is surreal for me, because I’ve been living it for many years, and been in the legal process for over a year now. I hope it’s okay that I’m sharing it with you today. Thank you for listening.
It’s unconventional, I know. I’m willingly becoming a single mom. I’m taking on responsibilities that are daunting and scary. I’m complicating even more the already complicated world of dating in my thirties. I get it. I’ve thought it all through, over and over.
And I know some people will disagree. I know some will tell me I shouldn’t do this. I know some will tell me to wait until I’m married, until I’m older, until I can have my own biological children.
But I can’t escape the calling.
I can’t run from His goodness.
I can’t hide from His presence.
I can’t stop loving these precious kids whose faces I have yet to see, whose voices I have yet to hear, whose pitter-pat of feet have yet to echo through the hallways of my home.
In the refrain of that same song, Hunter sings the most beautiful words — words that are often on repeat in my head these days. They so perfectly capture how I feel about my children and how we found each other.
Somehow we stumbled our way into love.
A long life with you isn’t long enough.
And stumble we did.
Me to them, and them to me.
Thank you, God, for seeing in me what I can’t, and showing me that your plan is so beautifully composed — a life song I could never even think to write. Here’s to a year of joyful adventure, relentless learning, and bountiful grace.