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Hairy stockings

Okay, now I’m just going to wait a minute and let this image seep into your brain, like honey through a hairnet. Yeah, just like that. Start processing it and bouncing it around every quadrant in that thick skull of yours until you figure out what it is. Because your mind wants to make sense of it. Your mind is crying out, “That’s not right!” But your brain is still rustling through its archives to pinpoint exactly what this is, exactly what is going on here.

If you’re open to the idea of forgiving me for posting this image, let’s move forward. You see, this is a pair of legs. A pair of women’s legs. A pair of women’s legs wearing the weirdest invention to come out of China since every item in SkyMall. They’re hairy stockings, and they’re used as men repellent.

Want a fun night on the town but you’re just sick of all that unwanted attention from boys? Squeeze into a pair of these beastly tights and giggle the night away, free from the lewd whistles that used to follow you wherever you went!

I first heard about hairy stockings while innocently listening to an episode of NPR’s Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!, one of my favorite radio shows and a format I think we need more of in today’s entertainment industry. It was the classic game of “Bluff the Listener,” where a caller had to guess which panelist wasn’t bluffing. Host Peter Sagal (my not-so-secret crush who doesn’t sound bald at all on the radio) gave the low-down:

If you’re a human female, you’ve put up with a lot of unwanted attention from guys. This week we read about a great new way to stop people from hitting on you.

Intrigued, I listened on. The three panelists shared stories about new ways to repel men, of which only one was true. Of course, I’ve already given you the answer (remember that image?), but it makes for some hilarious reading anyway.

Alonzo Bodden[Alonzo Bodden] Ladies, are you single? Do you want to stay that way? Do you just want to be left alone tonight? Unmatch.com is here to help you. The service works because everybody does the same thing when they meet an attractive person — they look ’em up online. If you hire Unmatch.com, you’re sure the person looking you up will immediately want to look away. Unmatch creates an entire online existence for you carefully created to drive away the most ardent suitor. Apparently complaints about your landlord not allowing 15 cats or taking a break from your four kids under five years old will slow any guy down. Any man that Googles you will come up with a planted news story about you, your bankruptcy, pending house arrest, or your obsessed ex who just got out of jail. Unmatch agrees there’s no guarantee, but their service is like a car alarm: It won’t guarantee security but the thief would rather go after something that’s not shrieking a warning signal.

Paula Poundstone[Paula Poundstone] Some men don’t always know when women would like to be approached, and women don’t always know how to politely decline advances, which leaves a nice business opportunity for the makers of “Thank You, Not Now,” the truly foul-smelling atomizer. It’s a simple device with a three-button, handheld component, each releasing a different repulsive smell, sold separately, including: “What Have You Been Eating?” … “How Many Head of Cattle Do You Own?” … “How Many Head of Cattle Do You Have With You?” …and “What in the Hell Did You Roll In?” Women love being able to put off the common, clumsy “Are you ladies alone?” with a quick Pssst! and a Whoa! . . . “You know what? I’m sorry! I can see you’re busy…” It’s available online at ReallyStinkyStuffThatMakesPeopleGoAway.com and at Bed Bath and Beyond… in the Beyond.

Jessi Klein[Jessi Klein] Whether a woman’s relaxing at the beach, shopping at the supermarket, or even recovering in the ICU, there’s always a sketchy guy trying to talk to her about how awesome it would be to have sex with him. Thankfully there’s breaking news out of China this week that someone may have solved the problem. Women who really want to be left alone are now wearing what are described as “anti-pervert leg hair stockings,” which create the illusion of the wearer having hairy legs. And we’re not just talking slightly unshaven hairy legs; we’re talking thick, curly, male, black hair. This is Saddam-Hussein-as-he-just-came-out-of-the-spider-hole hair, Burt-Reynolds-lying-on-a-bear-rug hairy legs. Worn with a skirt or even under a bathing suit, the stockings are guaranteed to ward off or even sicken most potential harassers. Sadly, what the makers of the stockings have not considered is that no matter what weird thing a woman does with her body, there will always be an even weirder man who digs it.

For as much as I want to be in a relationship and talk about it constantly on this here dating blog, I have no idea how to deal with unwanted attention. I become a complete idiot, resorting to literally running away from the situation… on foot. I’m no Victoria’s Secret model who gets approached every five minutes, but I do experience those uncomfortable moments when a guy that I’m completely not interested in approaches me. It happened at church recently and I wanted to climb under the pew and disappear. I may have even silently prayed for the rapture. I mean, what do you say in those situations?

  • If you try to be too nice, he might not get the hint. And then awkward becomes really awkward… and really awkward becomes painfully awkward… and so on and so forth until suddenly you’re married to the guy and have three kids named after Jesus’ disciples and you don’t know what happened.
  • If you make up an excuse, he may see right through it, or it may blow over. Like a girlfriend of mine who recently rejected a guy’s invitation by saying she “wasn’t feeling well.” But unless death comes knocking at her door, she’s bound to feel better. And then he’s bound to come knocking to ask her out again! Fail.
  • If you’re too straightforward, you hurt his feelings and feel really mean afterward. Especially if he’s a nice guy that you’re just not into. He had the guts to approach you and now you’ve crushed his spirit like a little bird egg. Nice one.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just join Unmatch.com and lure him into an online identity filled with illegal, frightening activity? Or to press a button and suddenly smell up the room like a skunk on a rampage? Or to don a pair of hairy stocking and slowly rub your bare leg against his during praise and worship?

He’d run away from that sloppy wet kiss, that’s for sure. Problem solved.

How do you deal with letting pursuers down gently, or otherwise?