dating, dating expectations, finding a husband, finding a wife, Henry, marriage, men, over-sexualization, partner, porn, pornography, relationships, Scrappy Sam, sex, shared hobbies, shared interests, women
It’s Monday. And I’m starting off this week… well… annoyed. Got up on the wrong side of the bed, got off on the wrong foot — however you want to shake it, it all adds up to annoyed.
By what?, you might ask.
The tale began last Wednesday when I read a thought-provoking blog post written by Scrappy Sam called “Why Men Aren’t Asking Women Out.” Intriguing title, eh? Come on, you know you wanna read it.
Sam was driven to write the post by the many women who approach her after her speaking engagements to express that men never ask them out, “… like EVER.” These women feel sad and unwanted, much like the Jennifer who wrote in to tell me of her similar fate. And Sam, an eloquent and energetic speaker, sometimes can’t find words to respond.
“In all honesty,” says Sam, “it’s a hard sell when a woman believes she is an ugly duck and no man is willing to fight for her heart and convince her otherwise.”
Based on the many sad, heartbreaking comments to my recent posts on beauty, I see this point in action.
Back to the question at hand: Why are men not asking women out?
Sam and her husband, Tim, admit it’s complicated. But they point to the first culprit: the over-sexualization of our culture — in particular, porn. Sam writes:
When men watch beautiful women expose and degrade themselves on a regular basis they begin to subconsciously believe they are entitled to a hot chick that operates in the same fashion in real life. But there are a limited number of women who meet this elite criteria. That leaves the rest of us.
Such interesting stuff. And spot on in uncovering a huge part of the problem.
So why am I annoyed this morning?
Not by the post. It did a fine job opening up a much larger, more complex topic. I am annoyed at the responses to Sam’s post — the ones written by men (in particular, by Henry). Hang on to your seats, friends. This ain’t pretty.
Here’s Henry’s take:
Are you unclear on what single Christian guys want? I’ll spell it out – it’s simple. The average guy wants (a) a woman to be his best friend and have a lot of fun with her doing things (hiking, travel, life stuff, etc.), (b) he wants to have a ton of sex with his wife, and (c) he wants her to grow in her faith with him. That’s pretty much it.
If you know me, you know my blood is literally boiling right now, as it was when I responded to Henry with this:
[This] just depresses me . . . Really? What about loving her? Caring for her? Starting a family together? Being a good father? Going after dreams in business, life, etc? Making a difference together in the world? Maybe I’m too picky, but I’d really like a husband that wants more than someone to hike with, have sex with, and go to church with. Please, Lord, tell me there is more out there for all of us!
Henry went on to recommend a book for me to read, and ended with a hearty, “I wish you the best in seeing men from God’s perspective.”
By this logic, God sees men as hobby-loving sex addicts who want to “grow in faith.”
My God is bigger than that.
Men are destined to desire far more than to fill those three measly, puny roles. Men are created by an amazing, loving God to be world changers, leaders in faith, business, and society, loving husbands, dedicated fathers, and all-around kind souls.
In finding a life partner, it’s about each man finding someone who will stand alongside him and propel him in reaching this potential — not just finding a pretty gal to fill time on the side and keep him sexually satisfied while he does his own thing.
And it’s not all about men. We learned that way back in the Garden. Women matter, too. God knows our hearts. He knows we could never be satisfied in a relationship based upon merely shared interests, good times in the bedroom, and studying the Word together.
We need more.
Or is it just me?
Am I attacking Henry too much? The truth is I don’t know this guy. He may have just been caught up — as I often am — in the commenting whirlwind, not stopping to think about what he was actually saying. He may actually believe he has all the answers about women. He may, in fact, have all the answers about women. (Not likely based upon his advice to the opposite sex to “overhaul your diet and hit the gym” instead of being the kind of girl to “sit around and whine and complain about how [you] can’t lose weight and don’t have a boyfriend while woofing down a pizza every night, and then [you] call the skinny girl a b**ch.”)
(His words, not mine, folks. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.)
As a woman, I’m begging the men out there in the blogosphere to offer me something more, something better — a perspective different than Henry’s and the other commenters who agreed with him. Please tell me there is more to this. Because otherwise, what’s the point?
Too little time to write. Too many words to say. Too many emotions to count. This post could never suffice. So I’m asking you — both men and women — to chime in.
Are you satisfied with Henry’s summary of what men look for in women? Tell us about it.
Longing for more,