Alicia Keys, Cameron Diaz, celebrity relationships, dating, Dear John, heartbreak, heartbroken, hollywood relationships, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, John Mayer, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, relationships, Room for Squares, Speak Now, Taylor Swift, Your Body is a Wonderland
CNN recently put together a short photo montage detailing the romantic goings-on of a famous pop/blues guitarist. The piece — “John Mayer’s Love Life: A Timeline” — was entertaining, yes. (Thanks, Natalie, for sending it to me.) But it didn’t answer the deep, hard-hitting questions that simply need to be asked. Seriously, what has happened to responsible journalism? In light of the obvious lack of media accountability to the public, I will take it into my own hands to provide an accurate (albeit completely biased) version of this story, topped off with the probing questions we’re all dying to ask. (Digging way back into my Principles of Journalism 101 class here… Come on, flux capacitor. Work!)
John Mayer: guitar god, songwriting genius, vocal weirdo, and apparent “ladies’ man.” I was first introduced to John’s music when I was in college and he released his debut album Room for Squares. I remember running through the halls of my college campus and screaming at the top of my lungs. I loved that album. What great melodies. What romantic lyrics. What insane guitar riffs! Sigh. I can’t remember exactly, but I’m sure I scribbled Ruth Mayer a few times on the cover of my spiral notebook. The subsequent albums were great, too… year after year. They all had something different, something exciting that sucked me in. Bottom line: I am definitely a fan of John Mayer’s music.
His personal life? Not so much.
You see, John Mayer has had a string of romantic interests girlfriends lovers. I’m sure you’ve seen at least a couple of these soap-opera-esque sagas camouflaged as “news” and strewn about the covers of entertainment magazines in grocery store checkout lines across America.
Most recently, his 2012 summer fling with recently divorced Katy Perry. After a few weeks of dating, he decided he didn’t want a relationship. And she was apparently “heartbroken.” Perhaps if he hadn’t used that cherry ChapStick she’s so fond of…
Before that was his tryst with America’s country sweetheart, Taylor Swift. She is 12 years his junior. And she — in line with her feisty reputation — wrote a song about it all, appropriately titled “Dear John.” The lyrics say it all:
I see it all now, it was wrong
Don’t you think 19 is too young
To be played by your dark twisted games
When I loved you so?
One notch earlier on his timeline of love came Hollywood heartthrob, Jennifer Aniston. This time eight years his senior. (Pick a side, man!) Most people thought it was an awkward pairing, perhaps a rebound on both ends. Whatever it was, John claimed he had a terribly hard time getting over that breakup. All I can say is, Ross would never have broken Rachel’s heart. (Unless they were on a break!)
Before Jennifer came Minka Kelly, the girl notorious for cheating on the wheelchair-bound cripple in Friday Night Lights. (That just ain’t right.) Cute couple, if you ask me. But is there really a choice between John Mayer and Derek Jeter, sexy shortstop for the New York Yankees? Hello, Splitsville.
We continue moving backward and reach John’s interesting foray into pop-star-power-couple-status with fellow pop tart Jessica Simpson. Not much to say about this one. Definitely an odd pairing. Didn’t last. (But those boots are fabulous!)
And then there was the one who started it all — Jennifer Love Hewitt. She’s known as “the girl next door,” if girls next door looked like hot centerfolds, that is. (I’ve looked at the gals on my block and trust me — no J. Loves in the mix.) It is widely reported that Jennifer is the muse behind the lyrics of John’s GRAMMY-winning hit song, “Your Body is a Wonderland.” Well, that’s a lot for the girl next door to live up to!
One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue
‘Cause if you want love, we’ll make it
Swim in a deep sea of blankets
Take all your big plans and break ’em
This is bound to be a while
Your body is a wonderland
Her response? “My body is far from a wonderland. My body is more like a pawnshop. There’s a lot of interesting things put together, and if you look closely you’d probably be excited, but at first glance, not so much.”
Funny, John wasn’t so gracious after Taylor wrote some lyrics about him. “I will say as a songwriter that I think it’s kind of cheap songwriting,” he said. “…I think it’s abusing your talent to rub your hands together and go, ‘Wait till he gets a load of this!’ That’s bulls***.”
The pot seems to be calling the kettle something here, and it’s not a “wonderland.”
There have been rumors of other John Mayer hookups, including Cameron Diaz, Kim Kardashian and Alicia Keys. The list goes on. I’m getting a little sick just typing it. My blog post isn’t meant to bash John Mayer. Fine, maybe a little. But in the end, I hope he never stops making great music, and I hope he finds peace within himself and a true respect for women, resulting in a lifelong relationship with one (count it, ONE) special woman.
The real purpose of this post is to ask the hard-hitting questions I promised before. So here goes:
1) Ladies, what is it about the “bad guys” that lures us to them? We know they have a history of not being able to commit, yet we somehow think we can change them. What is that about?
2) Do you think being with many partners over the course of life is just “normal” nowadays? Am I overreacting? Is this the new baseline that single gals must simply “deal with?”
I’d love to hear your thoughts. In closing, I leave you with some John Mayer lyrics that have really stuck with me. I wonder if it’s something we should all say to ourselves when we’re considering new relationships. I wonder if guarding our hearts is worth it, or if holding out for someone who will truly love you for the long haul is realistic. I wonder if Katy of Taylor or Jennifer or Minka actually stood up and demanded love… if they’d ever have found themselves on the lonely end of a John Mayer relationship?
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It’s heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
no one really every wins
in heartbreak warfare
If you want more love,
why don’t you say so?