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Men always complain that they just don’t understand women. We are so confusing and emotional and unstable! It’s impossible to follow our ever-changing trains of thought!

Today I’d like to rebuttal with a solid “I just don’t understand men!” You see, I thought I did, based mainly on the plethora of brothers and male cousins in my life. I thought I understood what was going on in those football-loving, romantic-comedy-loathing brains of theirs. But, alas, I was proven wrong this week, thanks to a very interesting Match.com fellow. His screen name (shortened for privacy) is FamilyMan — an interesting choice considering what happens next.

To: Ruth
From: FamilyMan
March 27, 2012

Think I’d get a crick in my neck looking up. πŸ™‚

We have a few things in common, Christian, tennis, believes in growing in faith. I was born in Philly not far from Jersey. And am excited to start a family. I also enjoy my work. I also am not so laid back. Nature is great. I try to be more and more healthy all of the time. I wouldn’t described myself as being regularly on chill. I am open to debating. But know in advance, I am well equipped to win. I enjoy song writing. However, I am pretty much an unskilled singer with just barely a kernel of singing talent. Although I play guitar pretty well.

I don’t use kindle. I prefer printed books and hand written paper. I don’t watch much TV at all. Too many other things to do.

I am actually about 5’10” but I have some work to do to get back to that due to a few injuries. But I make progress just about every day.

Wow! We actually seem to have a lot in common.

5’11” is why I never bothered to read your profile.

My goal on match is to find a wife to start a family. If that is not your intention or you can otherwise eliminate me, then no need to write.

If that does not run you off, then please do send an email. Maybe we might have a spark.

Be still me heart. When I read this I thought, could this be my soul mate? Not really. My first reaction was a crinkled up face, followed by a dramatic jaw drop, followed by an “Are you kidding me?” I had to read it again, to count how many times I’d been put down and degraded in a single email. Answer: roughly 47.

Hey, FamilyMan! You might try not making fun of a gal’s height or appearance while trying to ask her out. Just a thought!

And then, I made the horrible mistake of reading FamilyMan’s profile. I’ll just paste it here verbatim, because I am truly left speechless.

FamilyMan’s Match.com Profile

About you: You have a healthy body. You are ready to start a family. You might also enjoy playing music or singing and staying active. You enjoy language, writing and planning. You are up for a fun game of tennis.

About me: It’s lookin’ up, but no match for me yet. I will be out of town April 15 – 24 and pretty busy until then.

Family and friends are the best. Others have said I am thoughtful, patient, talented and upstanding.

In my free time, I enjoy helping develop aspiring college and tournament level junior tennis players and adults who believe in the strength of the local community. I also enjoy spending time on my organic garden.

My thoughts: (and you know I have ’em!)

  1. Even if I had a “healthy body,” as you call it, I wouldn’t let you anywhere near it.
  2. Yes, I’m “ready to start a family,” but not with a creep like you. I refuse to be your baby factory.
  3. Good to know you’ll be out of town April 15-24. I will feel safe to wander around the city at night.
  4. I think you just turned me off organic vegetables. Bring on the pesticides!

Remember FamilyMan’s closing line from his first email? Let me refresh your memory:

My goal on match is to find a wife to start a family. If that is not your intention or you can otherwise eliminate me, then no need to write.

Apparently in this man’s brain, “no need to write” translates roughly to “you’d better write or I’ll write you again.”

Sigh.

To: Ruth
From: FamilyMan
April 12, 2012

Don’t be shy!

Crinkled up face has returned.

Hold yourself back, Ruth. Hold yourself back! No need to respond. You can do this. Stay strong.

Oh, shoot.

My fingers are moving independently from my body.

My brain has no control over them.

Eeek!

To: FamilyMan
From: Ruth
April 12, 2012

Actually, I’m not being shy. I simply am not interested in a man that made fun of my height several times in his first email to me. In the future, you may want to try genuinely trying to get to know a girl instead of making jokes about her appearance.

Best of luck in your search.

And then I clicked “Send.”

I really have to work on my motor coordination skills.

~Ruth

UPDATE: A few hours after I responded to FamilyMan’s second email, I received this in my inbox:

To: Ruth
From: FamilyMan
April 12, 2012

Apparently I had to insult you to get you to respond. Truth is truth. I would be looking up to you. πŸ™‚

Just. Don’t. Get. It!

No response required for this one. Just blocked him from contacting me again. Moving on…