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After my first date with The Attorney this past Wednesday evening, I was left wondering if immediate chemistry really mattered. My date was a gentleman, the food was delicious and the conversation was interesting enough. No, I didn’t feel any butterflies or see any sparks. But that stuff can grow over time, right?

Well, looks like it all doesn’t matter after all, because I received the following email from The Attorney.

Dear Ruth,

Thanks for meeting up for dinner last night. I enjoyed meeting you and getting to know you a bit better. I guess I should tell you that I didn’t really sense a strong romantic connection between us, though you’re clearly a sweet, intelligent and pretty young lady. I think you’d be an awesome friend, and I think you’ll be a first-rate girlfriend (and wife) for someone. So I won’t pursue dating you — I’ll leave that door open for another (lucky) guy. I wish you the best in your search.

The Attorney

To be honest, I’m not heartbroken. You won’t find me crying into a pint of mint chocolate chip and watching You’ve Got Mail over and over (which has been known to happen on occasion). Because the truth is I didn’t feel a romantic connection either. In fact, I should be thankful that he was mature enough to let me know what he felt, and not string me along. I suppose I’d feel differently if I did sense that initial chemistry or attraction. Regardless, rejection is rejection. And I got rejected.

And rejection gets this female brain (and heart) of mine going a million miles an hour.

  • Why didn’t he like me?
  • Did he find me uninteresting?
  • Was he not attracted to me?
  • Am I too fat?
  • Was I too independent or assertive?
  • Did my church upbringing turn him off?
  • Was he intimidated by my height?
  • Am I not good enough?

The funny part is that I still ask myself these questions, even though I didn’t necessarily like my date. It still hurts. It still makes me wonder. It still just ain’t the greatest feeling in the world.

I wonder… if I had emailed The Attorney first to let him know that I didn’t feel a romantic connection, would he be asking the same questions of himself? Perhaps men, too, feel insecure sometimes. Perhaps they, too, wonder what they did wrong.

  • Did she not find me attractive?
  • Am I not funny enough?
  • Did I ramble too much about my job?
  • Should I have offered to order dessert?
  • Am I not successful enough?
  • Was my conversation too boring?
  • Am I too short?
  • Am I not good enough?

Seems like insecurities might run on both sides. I can’t say for sure, because I’ve never walked in a man’s shoes. But I can imagine. We’re all human. And as far as insecurities go, I can’t deny I have them.

Sometimes I wonder how hard it might be for both parties to sense that connection, for both the guy and the gal to see sparks. I see lots of successful, happy couples that have found love. But from where I sit, it seems a lot harder than I once imagined it to be.

So I wait.

So I pray.

So I wonder.

And I’m okay. I’m going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay.

I’m not giving up on dating. I’m not giving up on finding love. I’m not giving up on eHarmony or Match.com or blind dates or being set up by friends. I’m not giving up on myself. And my hope is that you don’t give up on yourself either.

In the immortal words of High School Musical: we’re all in this together. Just hang on. It’s bound to get better, right?