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My friend Bethany recently tweeted the following photo:

Fortune Cookie

The caption read: Pretty specific fortune today. No pressure.

No kidding!

When I read that tweet, I laughed out loud, of course. (Or LOL, as the kids are calling it these days.) But it didn’t take me long to start thinking about all those stupid, thoughtless things I hear about relationships, singleness, and the chances of getting married. I’ve heard them all. Have you? Or worse, have you said them?

The following are actual comments I’ve heard from people with apparent insight on why I have yet to find love (along with the responses crafted in my head that never quite got the chance to spill out, probably because I was busy stuffing my face with the closest Dorito and/or mojito.)

  • It’ll happen when you least expect it. 
    • I ran out of expectations six years ago.
  • You’ll find love when you stop looking for it.
    • But I already set up a Neighborhood Watch meeting…
  • Love will find you.
    • Love is blind.
  • God’s preparing someone special for you.
    • He created the entire universe in 6 days. What’s the hold up?
  • Maybe you have the gift of celibacy.*
    • Maybe you have the gift of imbecility. Look it up.
  • You’re too good for any guys out there.
    • Thank you?
  • There are no good men left. You’re better off.
    • I’ll take a slightly bad man and be a little worse off, please.
  • Have you ever tried Weight Watchers?
    • Have you ever tried sniffing chloroform?
  • When I got married I lost all my freedom! Just stay single.
    • I didn’t know you married a prison warden.
  • Are you gay?
    • Yes, I’m a generally happy person.
  • Have you tried eHarmony?
    • I don’t own a computer.
  • You’re too picky.
    • Well, I do have a no-mass-murderers dating rule.
  • I’m sorry.
    • I am, too.

*Sidenote: I once had a man tell me that he had the gift of celibacy. It was a guy I’d liked for many months. Yes, this actually happened. He’s still not married, but, then again, neither am I. Just some things that make you go “Hmmm.”

Back to the topic at hand: everyone getting up in my business about why I’m still single. News flash: these comments aren’t helping anyone — at least no one on this side of the keyboard. I can’t explain why I’m single. I’m sure I’ve missed opportunities. I’m sure some men aren’t attracted to me for certain reasons. I’m sure I’ve discriminated on occasion. But that’s not really the issue, is it?

The real question is: why is my singleness so difficult for you?

Think about it.

(In silence, please.)

I have yet to hear back from Bethany on whether the love of her life did indeed appear in front of her unexpectedly. Her answer would have a definite effect on whether or not I order Chinese take-out for dinner tonight. Perhaps she’ll leave a status update in the comments section… or a link to her wedding website.

Fellow singles: what are some comments about being single that you’ve been subjected to? Did you find them encouraging or discouraging?

Disclaimer: Just because I complain a little about the comments you make does not mean I want you to cease any future matchmaking efforts on my behalf. Just sayin’.