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I think both married and single folk can agree that sometimes couples can be just plain cheesy. I’m talking fresh out of the oven, hot, melting cheese with grated cheese on top.

Case in point: yesterday my sister-in-law, Natalie, sent me a link to a crafting website. I’m not really into crafting, so I rolled my eyes as I clicked the link, thinking this is just another lame attempt to get me to join a scrapbooking  or needlepoint club. (I’d rather go to an actual night club, and that’s saying a lot!) But I quickly realized why Natalie had sent me the link, and laughter (and disgust) soon followed when I saw this photo.

Oh, for the love of Pete! The link came with instructions on how to knit your very own “Smitten Mitten.” The subtitle read — and I’m cringing as I type this — Knit a smitten for you and your lover.

Can you say provolone?

We’ve all seen them — those couples that take cheese to a whole new level. Like when you’re just walking along, enjoying a beautiful day. Perhaps you’re eating a hot dog from a street cart, or walking your chocolate Labrador, Cuddles. And then, suddenly and without warning, you find yourself behind one of these couples…

Really? A not-so-discreet attempt to grab a little ass? News flash: pockets are meant solely for the hands of the pants-wearer. At least that’s my motto.

Can I get a slice of Swiss on that?

And then there are the lovers taking public displays of affection (PDAs) to a whole new (possibly illegal) level. I know you’ve spotted them, just as I have. For me, once I spot them, it’s like a supernatural force of nature — and no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot look away. And then suddenly I feel like a pervert. How is that fair? Over-the-top PDAs are embarrassing.

Mmmm… I smell cheddar!

Next up: couples that coordinate outfits. Oh, dear, where do I start? First off, I’m not into following the latest fashion trends. I like to create my own style, which I lovingly call “reality chic” (a playful mix of casual, comfortable staples and exciting pops of detail, usually in the form of scarves, shoes and jewelry). Of course, just this morning my brother laughed and made a crinkly face when he saw the turquoise socks and black sneakers I paired with my business suit for work. Disclaimer: a severely bruised pinky toe dictated today’s attire choices, so cut this klutz some slack!

You can imagine that if I don’t aspire to wear the latest trends on the cover of Vogue, I most likely don’t aspire to match my shoes with my boyfriend’s tie, either. I’ve seen this done over and over by wedding attendees around the nation, and it really has to stop.

Let’s not forget the great Denim Tornado of 2001. Even country singers were making fun of this fashion disaster.

There is no reason that a man and a woman need to match their outfits. Just because they’re wearing separate patterns or colors doesn’t mean they don’t match. They’re not supposed to match! It’s like saying the trees don’t match the sky. They’re two different things!

And sometimes couples take it too far… when matchy-matchy twins hook up with — you guessed it — matchy-matchy twins!

P-A-R-M-E-S-A-N!

When it comes to couples tattoos, I’m not automatically opposed. I like a good set of wedding ring tattoos or a strategically placed pair of names. Call it the romantic rock star in me. But, as with knit wear, PDAs and matching outfits, some couples just take it too far.

Really? The “you’re the key to my locket” routine? Let’s hope they know a doctor that specializes in tattoo removal, because I doubt this couple’s gonna last as long as that permanent body ink.

Havarti, please!

Maybe it’s just the fact that Valentine’s Day is around the corner and I’m already inundated with pink hearts and white teddy bears everywhere I look, but today I am just annoyed by couples being couples. The cheese factor is literally giving me a lactose intolerance.

Guess what? A couple is really just made up of two individual people. With their own styles, their own mannerisms, their own likes/dislikes and their own pairs of gloves.

Who am I kidding, though? I can whine for 700 words, but let’s face it — we all know that the second I find the right guy, I’ll be knitting us a his-and-her scarf and sketching what our 1 Corinthians 13 tattoos will look like, all while wildly making out on a park bench in Central Park.

But for now, I beg of you — no more cheese, please.

~Ruth