I love Bravo’s hit show Millionaire Matchmaker. If you’re not familiar with it, here’s the jist: The hilarious and talented Patti Stanger, matchmaker to the rich and not-so-famous, sets millionaires up on dates in the hopes of finding true love. Of course, the very premise of the show makes finding true love difficult, since the vast majority of the matches are just in it for the money and fame. Nonetheless, it makes for great television!
So you can imagine my excitement when Patti tweeted this yesterday:
@pattistanger: For those of you who are Christian… you’ll love tonight’s episode. See how the Cruz brothers transformed their lives due to their faith.
Oooh, my attention was piqued. Finally an episode with some decent men who were in it for more than just T&A, more than just sex and a trophy wife. And, perhaps, the recruiters could find women who were also genuinely interested in real relationships.
Oh, Ruth… don’t be so naïve.
It took about two seconds for me to realize that at least one of the Cruz brothers was a complete douchebag. Both were body builders, toting their fake-baked biceps underneath severely tight Ed Hardy-wannabe t-shirts from their own “inspirational” clothing line. With enough hair gel to make The Situation jealous, they started to tell us a little about themselves.
Abe spent three years in prison, no doubt working out. His downfall? Apparently, in an effort to afford gifts for his voodoo-power girlfriend, he transported cocaine over state lines. I would love to know what that girl looked like! Anyway, it was in prison, he says, he found God and began designing his Forever Faith clothing line in his cell with a crayon and a napkin. As he speaks, his voice gets higher and higher. I swear my neighbor’s dog starts barking.
Then there’s the younger brother, David, whose wife cheated on him a couple times. He apparently hasn’t recovered from the heartbreak, although jumping into a nationally televised reality dating show says maybe he has.
Regardless of my lack of attraction for either of the brothers, I must give them a shot. Many women, including the gals on last night’s episode, are actually physically drawn to guys like these. I can respect that. Maybe Abe and David really are great Christian guys just looking for their wives. Maybe.
The recruiting session, which is normally my favorite part of each episode, is a bit disappointing. Patti and her crew seem to ask all the right questions about faith and values, but don’t seem to understand the actual commitment it entails to be a true Christian. For example, when plain-Jane Ayla arrives, she says she’s not that into faith. The team asks her if she would be more committed to faith if it were important to her man. And instantly Ayla has a transformation! Hallelujah! “Of course! I would be freakin’ Mother Teresa if it were important to the man I love!” (Can you hear the cash register cha-chinging?)
It’s not all Patti’s fault. You can only ask the questions. You can’t see into someone’s heart to see how committed they are to their faith. But, I dare to say that if you are truly committed—if your faith is the most important part of your life—then you would be adamant about finding a life partner that shares that faith. At least this is true for me.
But, again, maybe I’m jumping to conclusions. Let’s see how the dates pan out.
David chooses the recently-converted Ayla, and Abe chooses personal trainer Tiffany (whose hair, I might add, is fabulous).
The brothers, who may have been born as Siamese twins and separated in a televised special on TLC, cannot stand to be apart. They decide to keep the family together and take their dates to—deep breath—the gym for a workout.
News flash to the Cruz brothers: No girl wants to go to the gym on a date! That is so lame and it’s an obvious attempt to get a closer look at their bodies. Shame on you.
Of course, the girls don their cutest workout gear in full makeup. Poor Ayla hasn’t been shopping for workout clothes since Olivia Newton John’s “Let Get Physical” hit the airwaves. Nonetheless, they hold their own.
The Bravo camera crew somehow convinces the brothers to separate for the dinner portions of their dates—probably by offering them each a free month of tanning at Kool Rayz.
David’s date seems to go well. He prays before his meal, which I admit is endearing. But follows that by sucking face with Ayla, who just five minutes earlier wasn’t that serious about her faith.
Then there’s Abe, whose lock-up transformation is questioned when he invites Tiffany to join him in his hot tub after dinner… you know, “to relax their muscles.” Kudos to Tiffany for turning down that offer, and turning down Abe. He needs to do some maturing before he’s ready for a relationship.
As the episode ends, I chuckle to myself. Patti and her team did not disappoint in the entertainment department. But I can’t help feeling let down by the guys representing us Christian singles.
I’m not the judge and jury on whether or not someone is truly a Christian or not. God forbid someone were to judge me in that area. But, I have met genuine, kind Christian men in my life—and, frankly, I’d like to see more of them represented on television. The Cruz brothers let me down in this regard.
Still love Patti Stanger, and I think that—for what she had to work with last night—she did a decent job. I hope in the future that when she asks her probing questions, the men and women might respond with more compelling answers—and truly stand up for their faith.
Now that would be sexy. Millionaire or not.