Technology is ever-changing, constantly morphing into something newer, better, smarter, faster. Just when you think you’ve got something cool and hip, another version comes out, and suddenly you’re the loser with an iPhone 4 while your mom rocks an iPhone 5. (True story!) But whether or not Siri is whispering sweet nothings into your ear, whether or not you’ve got the iPad mini, the Kindle Fire, or a Canon EOS 5D Mark III, we can at least all convene on one common technological advancement: email. Everybody emails, right? Yet with all the geekiness surrounding us, some of us still cannot grasp the basic dos and don’ts of electronic mail.
At work this week, the worst email don’t happened right before my eyes — and all I could do was sit there with my mouth wide open staring at my computer screen. Without going into details, a high-up, super important, VIP leader of the company sent out an email to about 3,000 employees in a particular division. Well, one of those employees chose to forward the email to some colleagues, but accidentally clicked Reply All.
Yep, the reply went to all 3,000 of us, including that high-up, super important, VIP leader.
The gist of the email? Oh, it’s painful to even relay this. She basically asked how much money said leader makes to have time to send out these emails. And then went on to dog him and other leaders at the firm.
Now you get the mouth-wide-open response, right?
Email 101 (taught by Professor Taylor Swift): Never ever, ever, ever click Reply All to mass emails. Especially not at work. Like ever.
As I stared at my laptop screen, slowly regained the ability to talk, and joined the growing buzz of colleagues discussing the email fiasco, I sighed. That Reply All button will get you every time.
It got me thinking about how many times we Reply All in life. Those moments when you’re having a conversation with yourself about personal stuff — emotions, private issues, things you’d normally keep to yourself. And then suddenly you find yourself blabbing about it to people around you… and sometimes regretting it. With social media this is even easier to do. Just a few keystrokes and a click, and suddenly your 1,000 Facebook friends know everything you’re thinking.
Lately I’ve been feeling a little pressured to “be quiet” about dating. The pressure isn’t targeted at me alone, but at the entire Christian single population. It seems the church would rather us just keep quiet, keep to ourselves. We’re made to feel ashamed if we ever talk about singleness or dating. We’re made to feel like my colleague likely felt the moment she realized she’d clicked the infamous Reply All. But, did we really do anything wrong? We’re just sharing how we feel.
“Just keep that stuff inside,” they say. “Don’t talk about it so much. You seem obsessed. Talk about other things.”
The blogger in me is annoyed to hear those statements. The woman in me is sad. The friend in me is outraged.
Why can’t we talk about it?
A phenomenon I’ve encountered in Christian circles is that dating is somehow wrong. Dating (or talking too much about it) makes you promiscuous, a whore, a slut, a heathen. As Christians, we should focus on God and on marriage. Dating around lets “the enemy” in. We should wait for that one person we’ll spend the rest of our lives with. And in the meantime, let’s not talk about it.
To put it mildly, this mindset ticks me off. I’ve never actually been to a psychiatrist, but I can say with 99.9% assurance that bottling up your emotions isn’t healthy. There is freedom in conversation. And that conversation can include Christian singles.
I’ve always been pretty open about discussing my single life, particularly since I’ve started this blog. And I can honestly say it’s liberating. Speaking from your heart, speaking your mind, speaking to others who have been there or who are there now — it’s all good. And it’s all good for you.
So is there such a thing as oversharing? When it comes to our emotions, hopes and dreams as singles, is there danger in the Reply All?
I suppose to some extent there is. You never want to be that freak that tells everyone everything. You don’t want to walk around spitting out random sentences about how lonely you are, how much you want a boyfriend or girlfriend, how you cry yourself to sleep at night while holding a stuffed dolphin named Nancy. And you definitely don’t want to overshare on a first date. Red flag alert!
But don’t let anyone tell you that being single is something you should be ashamed of, or that wanting to be in a relationship is a bad thing. Because being single is awesome. You’re not somehow “broken” just because you’re not married. And longing for a relationship simply means you’re normal. We all want love. It’s just about getting there in a healthy, rational way.
This blog post is a stretch, I know. But it’s just a glimpse into how my mind works. One minute I’m laughing (and gasping in disbelief) at an unintended Reply All sent by a colleague, and the next minute I’m fired up about how Christian singles are expected to just keep quiet about dating and relationships. Regardless of how I got here, I’m glad we’re talking about it.
Because the conversation is important.
Because the plight of the single person matters.
Because the pressure to keep silent about our emotions and desires isn’t okay.
Because the stigma that if you’re not married something is wrong with you is completely false and, frankly, irresponsible.
So speak up! Join the conversation. For once, Reply All! Then go home and think and pray and do all the quiet stuff, too. But don’t ever feel like there is something inherently wrong or shameful about dating.
Because there simply isn’t.
~Ruth
emilycrostonwrites said:
I’ve never felt like I have to not talk about dating and relationships in Christian circles. If anything, I’ve had the opposite problem! I don’t really think about or define myself by my relationship status, which is very different from what I typically find at church. Relationships are EVERYTHING to most people – at least, that’s what it seems like sometimes. When people find out that I don’t particularly WANT a relationship? That’s when I get treated like I’m wrong/bad/weird/etc. I’d be far more acceptable to most of the Christians I encounter if I DID want a boyfriend right now and talked about it all the time! Maybe it’s a west coast church thing vs.east coast?
Ruth Rutherford said:
Oooh, interesting perspective alert! And I find that to be true, too. “You don’t want to get married or have kids? What’s wrong with you?” I’ve seen that played out in several friends’ lives. It’s so sad. Who places these expectations on us? If someone doesn’t want to have kids, why would you want to convince them to have kids. It’s so counter intuitive!
Stay strong, girl. Be who you are. Whether or not it’s “normal” in church or elsewhere in life shouldn’t be the determining factor for what we do / believe.
East coast, baby!
Marisol said:
Ruth, as I have mentioned before, I honestly do appreciate your transparency. You talk about things many of us will not have the courage to openly admit or promote dialogue about (unless it’s with our closest friends). And the desire to be married isn’t bad, absolutely. But coming from someone who just entered her 30s and also being unmarried, sometimes constant dialogue about the subject can come across as desperate. And I honestly believe it is a turn off. (I’m aware that I might strike a nerve here, but you encourage dialogue.) I don’t necessarily think that having limits on speaking about the subject means we are ashamed, but too much talk about it can also seem like idolatry. How much of our thoughts are consumed with this? I understand this is a blog about dating, but in our conversations (as believers) shouldn’t we focus more on talking about holiness? Conforming into the image of Christ? Repenting of sin? You also mentioned that speaking your mind is good and it is, but to an extent this is a very western concept. Sometimes we just need to listen more and speak less. One last thing to consider, just because people have had enough about the subject doesn’t mean they are ashamed or are completely dismissing it. Just last night I had a conversation with a friend about women teaching over men and we went around in circles so much that it was physically exhausting and gave me a severe headache. It’s good to have a balance even in dialogues. Grace and peace from our Lord Jesus Christ.
Brittany said:
I was just about to add a comment at the end of the list before I read the others, but changed my mind and read the ones listed here-I agree with your comment Marisol. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with discussing dating and relationships unLESS it becomes the focus of the majority of one’s discussions/attentions/priorities and it appears to be an idol in one’s life, taking precedence over Jesus. That’s where we need to be careful.
Ruth Rutherford said:
Thanks for your thoughts, Marisol and Brittany. To anyone who thinks I talk too much about dating, I’d encourage them to not visit dating blogs and read writing committed to the dating conversation. (Tongue and cheek here, but really!) After all, that’s what this blog is mostly about — forethought, on purpose, and proud of it. For the many sports blogs, gardening blogs, parenting blogs — one would never accuse those people of being overly obsessed with those things, to the point of idolatry. At least I wouldn’t. They are just the niches those folks have found to write about — subjects they can offer something meaningful to. And they attract people that want to talk about them, too.
Although all the Christianity-related subjects you bring up are important, that’s not what I write about. My blog isn’t a devotional, a theological debate, or church. Nor do I think every Christian writer needs to write about those things. That would be ridiculous (and boring, I might add). I encourage everyone to find their own voice! Find something special they love to express (through many art forms or avenues), and do it. There will be naysayers (though I don’t consider you two naysayers, per se)… but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
My two cents!
Tamara said:
I thought this was a “I kissed dating Goodbye” Blog. I don’t believe in dating, and especially don’t believe in kissing, before marriage.
Ruth Rutherford said:
Agree to disagree?
mindofshoo said:
First off I love your openess and your writing. You have a wonderful thought provoking style with humor mixed in and its a pleasure to read regardless of the topic. Secondly, I am probably not like lots of your followers as I am a married man. I follow your blog cause its thought provoking and humorous. With all that said, I believe you should be able to speak your mind on anything you believe in, especially around Christians. You should be able to “reply to all” without being judged. Isn’t that an important factor in being a Christian…not judging and excepting all. Your choice is your choice on the journey to find the love you want and deserve. It is not others right as Christians to judge or label you just cause of your dating or maritial status. Do your thing and enjoy your journey. Don’t listen to those “Christians” who label you for how often or who you date. Are they truely Christian? They are judging others, and I don’t find that very Christian like. I believe in speak your mind. It is here where you will find your true and deepest friends. Everyone else is a poser. Enjoy your journey, speak your mind and follow your religious beliefs. Its your journey, hit replay all anytime you chose. I for one will just enjoy what you are willing to share. Without judging. Good Luck Ruth.
Ruth Rutherford said:
“Do your thing and enjoy your journey.” I read this line several times and I just love it! Thank you!
Your thoughts are appreciated. I knew when I started this blog that I would get judgments thrown at me, and I was prepared to deal with it. For the most part (so far), the reaction has been really positive. Mostly, I’d say, because anyone who finds this obscure blog on dating is probably really interested in the subject.
But I know that my opinion isn’t shared by all… and (news flash!) that’s OKAY!
Thanks for sharing. Love hearing from my married readers. We learn from each other!
Deborah said:
Amen to this!!!! As a 26 year old single woman I have absolutely encountered this “over-spiritualized” view of dating. I feel like having a desire to date is practically viewed as sinful, that I should simply wait around on concentrate on the Lord. ———–Don’t think about boys! How worldly of you! If God desires you to be married then the right one will somehow magically appear in your path and whack you with his over-sized bible so hard that you’ll stop and take notice of the male species for the first (oh so holy) time, then a chorus of angels will sing so you’ll suddenly know that he’s the one. In that moment all of the desires for love and fellowship that you have suppressed for so long will magically awaken and be completely healthy (because you know the best way to deal with things healthily is to stuff them down and internalize). Now go live happily ever after and be fruitful and multiply and, you know, full quiver and all that stuff. ————–
Clearly I got a little sarcastic there but seriously – desiring love and fellowship is normal! Do we need to be fulfilled in our relationship with our heavenly father? Yes! Do some people talk about it too much? Yes. But we need to talk about it – we need to encourage and learn from each other, not be treated like we have a bright scarlet “S” on our chest because we’re single. For Pete’s sake, let’s strike a balance and stop stuffing dating out of sight into the dark corner of the basement.
Honestly, this reminds me of when talking about sex even in marriage was taboo and doing it for any other reason than to procreate was giving in to fleshly desires and so forth. Thank goodness for the revolution there! The church has gotten much better about teaching on love and sexual purity before marriage and that after marriage….well, God created sex and he made it fun! So go screw each-other’s socks off and enjoy it!!
Let’s give dating talk this same revolution.
Thanks for writing this post, Ruth…sorry for the looooooooong comment
Ruth Rutherford said:
Ha! This is so funny, I just have to quote it:
“If God desires you to be married then the right one will somehow magically appear in your path and whack you with his over-sized bible so hard that you’ll stop and take notice of the male species for the first (oh so holy) time, then a chorus of angels will sing so you’ll suddenly know that he’s the one.”
HILARIOUS! But, sadly, I’ve heard this said or implied in a variety of ways — and the people who said it were serious. Unreal.
I like your point about “striking a balance.” That’s an important one. Because, yes, we CAN get overly concerned with dating, and we are more than just our dating lives. I’m trying to promote that balanced conversation here on this blog. Hopefully it’s working!
“Full quiver and all that stuff.” HA! Thanks for the laugh (and sorry for the late reply.)
David Stone (@diggs808) said:
I love this post for two reasons: as an IT Guy, I’ve seen many many many people hit reply all and the regret it as they’re packing up their desks. Second, I think that the problem lies in church leadership. They often have a heart for married people, and thus a pre-conceived notion as to what they contribute. Often, singles don’t fill that spot. They’re not in college and don’t fit in with the 18-25 crowd, and they’re not married which is where many churches have as the next step in groups for people. So what happens when we don’t fit into those categories? Singles are shoe-horned. Or they end up dropping out (I recall a barna study a few years ago that showed that most people drop out of church after college, but get involved after they get married). In any other industry, that is called a gap. The church needs to see that gap as an opportunity. Some churches, do get it right, but many get it wrong. That needs to change.
justinmcampbell said:
David – you are exactly right. But you are asking the church to think about the real world – the one where 50% of Americans are unmarried and 80% of those 18-29 have never been married. 80%! As you know, any gap is an opportunity.
Ruth Rutherford said:
David and Justin — great thoughts! I’ve blogged about this before (and will again), but church often isn’t an easy place for singles. As much as I want us to be recognized and “catered to” (in the least diva way possible), I also don’t think it’s the church’s job to marry us off. All I’m really asking is to be given the same courtesies as the rest of the congregation. Singles have a lot to offer — in service, in giving, in community. We are just as important as the children, the youth, the marrieds, the elders. ALL are part of the Body of Christ. I’d like to see that played out more across the board. I think when that happens we’ll see some real progress.
justinmcampbell said:
I think it is more about how the Church talks about it than anything else. Really for the most part they aren’t even in the game. . . at all.
1 Story A Week said:
Jezabel! Just kidding! I love your blog. I feel like Christian dating has become a lose/lose situation. If you don’t do it there is something wrong with you and you need to let “God fix you”. If you do date people assume that it must be because that person is “the one”. Then they want to get all involved in everything you do and tell you how to do it in the name of “accountability”. Ugh.
Ruth Rutherford said:
Ha ha, Jezebel. Hilarious. But seriously, sometimes I feel that way!
The lose / lose situation of Christian dating is sadly the reality. We need to change it! I do believe these conversations are a small way that we’re starting the change. Thank you!
siewkwan said:
I agree, beinh single is nth to ashamed abt! However, sum ppl in my church do like to be hush hush abt it bcux we hv a pastor who loves to matchmake the singles! Lol
Ruth Rutherford said:
Um… I love your pastor!