Tags
appearance, beauty, broken heart, Genesis 1, God's creation, Jennifer, looks, media, Psalm 139, society, ugly
Today I write with a heavy heart for one of my readers. I received this message from Jennifer in response to a recent blog post:
What do you do when you’re not hot nor sexy nor pretty? Is there any chance of ever getting noticed?
To be honest, I’m 32, and I’ve never dated. I’ve never even held a guy’s hand, for goodness sake. And while there are other strikes against me (like working in a female-dominated profession, attending a church with few or no other single people, and being introverted and socially awkward), I feel like nothing will ever happen because people are driven by looks. Nothing’s happened so far, after all. And I get it, I do. Looks matter. They are not the only thing that matters, by any means, and they are not the most important thing. But they are what gets you “through the door,” so to speak.
So where does that leave the ugly people?
I’ve been mulling over these words for days. And I feel bad for taking even this long to respond. Because a response is important here. So, Jennifer, this letter is for you.
Dear Jennifer,
I read your message as I was walking home from work, staring down at my iPhone screen in complete disregard for the passersby attempting to share the sidewalk with me. My eyes didn’t want to see what I was reading, my mind didn’t want to believe it, and my heart, frankly, couldn’t take it.
And I cried.
Because right there at the corner of 7th and D, as I waited for the crosswalk signal to let me know it was okay to cross the street, my heart broke in two.
For you to say you are ugly is upsetting. For you to actually believe it is devastating. Because, Jennifer, you are believing a lie.
If the words I wrote in that blog post further cemented your belief, then I am truly sorry. That was never my intention. But, somehow through this complicated web of technology, you and I have connected. And for that I am grateful because I have something you need to hear, something you need to understand.
You are beautiful.
Not in a womanly camaraderie kind of way. Not in an obligatory compliment kind of way. There is nothing compelling me to write this apart from the truth.
You were created by a loving father — the same creator of the whimsical willow tree, the enchanting yellow daffodil, the furry chocolate Labrador puppy. All things beautiful and good come from him alone. And this includes you.
“And God saw all that he had made,
and behold, it was very good.”
Genesis 1:31a
Your nose, your eyes, your hair, your feet. That part of your body that you’re always careful to hide underneath layers of clothing. That facial feature you think everyone else thinks is ugly. It’s all part of God’s creation. It’s all beautiful.
And it was his intention all along.
“For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.”
Psalm 139:13-18
And those thoughts? He’s thinking about you, Jennifer. Constantly. So when you think about why men don’t seem interested in you, remember that God is not only interested — he’s crazy about you.
Don’t believe the lie anymore.
You and I are in the same boat, as are so many people out there. It’s the fight between who we really are and who we think we are, the battle between how we look and how we think others perceive us. It’s a war, and it’s one you can declare victory over. It doesn’t happen overnight. But slowly, day by day, you can overcome.
Your beauty is not defined by society or the media or whoever the magazines declare as the hottest girl of the moment. You are beautiful — simply because the creator of the universe made you that way.
Think for a moment about what you feel like when you see a truly magnificent sunset. You know, the kind of sunset overflowing with reds and purples and oranges. The kind of sunset that literally takes your breath away, that makes you stop in your tracks and just stare. What do you feel in that moment? That is exactly the feeling God has when he looks at you, Jennifer. And that’s the feeling one lucky man will have when he catches a glimpse of you, dressed in white, walking down the aisle toward him.
With love,
~Ruth
Tamara said:
Yes, Ruth! So beautfully put. So awesome that we are HIS beautiful, spotless, bride.
Ruth Rutherford said:
There is so much depth and comfort in knowing that. Thanks, Tamara!
Leann said:
The way God speaks to you to help touch others is such a blessing. I can’t help getting lost in my thoughts, when it comes to what God’s going to reveal to us singles who are truely single. Buy that I mean have never been out on dates, never held hands, never had a first kiss yet, the list of all the never’s go on. Sometimes I think we are going to be the ones that lead more men back to church with time.
Ruth Rutherford said:
Girl, let your thoughts run wild. God works through the creativity and drive and ideas of his kids! And in our singleness… he can work wonders.
Praying for you today!
Lynne said:
Beautifully said, Ruth. When Jennifer truly allows that truth to sink into her heart and head and TRULY believe it, it will also make a difference in how she interacts with others–and it will be attractive!! There is a light that shines out of someone who believes that they are truly valuable bc of who God made them to be. I’m not talking cockiness—I’m talking confidence in being a child of the King.
I know this also may or may not be popular, but you can change circumstances that aren’t working for you. If your church doesn’t have single people, maybe consider attending a church that does. If you work in a female dominated profession, consider joining a sport or another activity that will allow you to also interact with men. If you aren’t happy with the way you dress, or what your hair looks like…change it! A new haircut and a cute outfit can do WONDERS for putting a little spring in the step. Just a thought.
Ruth Rutherford said:
You’re right, Lynne, and I’ve seen that to be true in my life for sure. When I let God love me, when I accept it — it emanates out of me. It’s unmistakable. But when I let the enemy put thoughts in my head of doubt and depression and disbelief — others can see that, too. And it ain’t pretty. Staying “positive” isn’t just about being happy or changing a “feeling.” It’s about focusing on the one who really matters — God.
Your practical advice is right on, too! Some are harder to change than others — like a job or church or living location. But there are daily things we can all change to make us simply feel better. All that stuff is good, too, and plays into the greater picture of self esteem and beauty. When coupled with the true acceptance we gain only through Christ — phew! — we’ll be unstoppable!
Joanna said:
Ruth, You are such a blessing to me. Thank you for being transparent with your heart, and for allowing your readers to be transparent as well. I often times have similar thoughts as Jennifer, and I try hard to remind myself that I am perfect the way my Father made me. It is so encouraging (and much needed) to hear it from someone else though. I don’t have many single friends in the town where I live, and I am extremely thankful for the encouragement you give me.
Ruth Rutherford said:
Thanks so much Joanna. I, too, feel the community with you guys… even though we all live in different cities (and even countries!). One of the great things about the Internet, I believe, is how it allows us to connect. So glad that my words can help you in some small way. Your comment does the same for me.
Stay strong! You’re a light to those around you.
emilycrostonwrites said:
Great post…I have a feeling that this one will help a lot of people. Also, if you’re reading this, Jennifer, bravo to you for being so brave and speaking up about your situation. I’m willing to bet that there are far more people in your situation than we all realize!
Ruth Rutherford said:
Ditto to that — Jennifer was extremely brave to speak up. It’s not easy. But I know you’re right, Emily, in that Jennifer’s story is not only her own. There are so many who feel the same way. Heck, I find myself in that valley more often than I care to admit. I know Jennifer’s struggle — and the tenacity I know she has somewhere deep down to pull through — will touch many hearts.
Thanks for reading!
Kirsten B. (@kirs10black) said:
I agree with everything you said, Ruth. And thank you for hopefully being an encouragement for Jennifer and for others, like me, who feel similar.
However, I also totally get where Jennifer is coming from and how she is feeling.
I am almost 34, I’ve only dated 2 guys and only in the last couple of years. I’ve never held hands, kissed or anything with a guy, never called one my boyfriend even. I am confident, I dress cute, I take care of my hair/appearance BUT I know that I am on the chubbier side of average and not “typically pretty” so I know that causes most men not to even consider me an option.
I’ve tried online dating (in fact that where my last dates came from) but I am getting more and more discouraged that men seem to begin with the physical/visual and not even give anyone less than “ideal” a chance. It’s frustrating, for sure!
The only advice that I can give to myself, to Jennifer and to others, would be to *hang in there!*
Do what you can, as was suggested above; find places to meet people, places where they can talk to you and learn about what’s underneath – your character, your personalty, your interests. Do what you can to *feel* cute or pretty and that feeling will come out in your confidence and in your smile.
Hang in there and don’t give up.
Don’t believe that lie that you are not beautiful! Realize that God always wants the best for you.
It’s hard, frustrating and sometimes depressing, but I’m making the choice to believe in the good, in the promise, in the hope that the right person for me will be attracted to something about me at the right time. I can’t hide away and feel bad or they will never find me. We are all unique and there is something about yourself that someone will admire or like or want to know more about.
Hang in there to hope!!!
Ruth Rutherford said:
Thanks for your honesty, Kristen. I can relate, too. Trust me. I often feel not pretty enough, not good enough, not sweet enough, not cute enough. It’s exhausting, really. But then there are times when I am so encouraged by women who aren’t “super models” (by the world’s standards) and yet stand up for themselves. Like Jennifer Livingston, the reporter I recently blogged about who stood up for herself and her family when a viewer wrote in to tell her she was overweight. When I look at her, I don’t even see her weight. I see her beauty, her grace, her confidence. So encouraged by that! I’m also often encouraged when I see overweight men and women find love. (Does this sound too shallow? I don’t care.) It’s how I feel! When I see these couples, I smile. I think, “That could be me,” or “That guy thinks she’s beautiful like she is.” Sigh. LOVE IT.
So, yeah, it’s “hard, frustrating and sometimes depressing,” like you said. But your positive attitude WILL be contagious. It had encouraged me, that’s for sure! Imagine how it will encourage others, and how it will attract men. Hot stuff, I tell ya!
Thanks for commenting!
Meagan said:
Ruth, thank you so much, so incredibly much. I’ve been keeping up with your posts for a while now and finally felt the need to speak up and just thank you…For your honesty, your sincerity and your transparency (didn’t mean for that to rhyme
). But really, I hope you realize that your words are meaningful and have been oh so insightful for me and many others. I find that it is unfortunately so rare (these days) for women to be encouraged often and told how beautiful they are and how much they’re loved. Today, especially, was a day that I needed to hear this and I am SO glad I checked your blog! I’m only in my early 20′s (though I swear some days I’m going on 40, haha) and I’ve never been in a relationship or even dated. Since the beginning of my life, the Lord just put it in my heart to expect and believe that I deserved only the best and that settling was never an option. On most days I can see this as a tremendous blessing, but every once in a while it can get pretty lonely and can lead me to question if something is wrong with me and if this is really the Lord. With today being one of those days for me, it was such divine timing for you to write about this tender subject. Anyway, all that to say thank you, and don’t let anyone ever convince you to stop writing. You are such a blessing and an encouragement!
Ruth Rutherford said:
Thanks so much, Meagan. And I love your rhymes! Very talented!
Funny how God works and leads us to read different things, listen to different voices, visit with different people — and somehow it’s just what we need to hear in that moment. I’m glad my words were able to touch your heart today.
Settling is never an option. You’re right. Stay strong in this! Yes, it can be lonely and hard… but it will be worth it. At such a young age you are already miles ahead of so many in maturity and responsibility. Good on you for taking these decisions seriously… I just hope that you also remember to have fun in the process! That’s important too.
God bless you!
Summer said:
Jennifer, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in that letter! And Ruth…thank you for sharing and responding. Your response is spot-on!
This is not something that Jennifer is alone in. I know that many women battle these thoughts daily…sometimes minute-by-minute. And I’m one of them. I may have lost a considerable amount of weight over this last year, but that doesn’t mean that my thoughts have completely caught up with it. I still struggle with realizing that God made me beautiful, before and after this weight loss. I am who I am because of Him. I am His masterpiece…
Believing the lies of the enemy about how unworthy we are is sometimes easier than fighting against them with the truth of God. The enemy even used my mother (when I was younger) to feed these lies to me. Psalm 139 was the key to fighting the battle…then and even now.
So thank you again for sharing God’s truth…it’s a wonderful reminder that I’m not alone in this battle of the mind!
Ruth Rutherford said:
Wow, that’s pretty deep: “Believing the lies of the enemy about how unworthy we are is sometimes easier than fighting against them with the truth of God.” PREACH. The story of your childhood breaks my heart, so I can’t imagine how much more broken yours was. I love that Psalm 139 was a tool to fight that battle. It’s one of my very favorite chapters. Thanks for sharing… and for surviving and thriving and encouraging others. You have the power to make a real difference in others with your story!
Marilyn said:
I loved this response Ruth! I have no words except thank you for your honesty and encouragement to so many of us.
Ruth Rutherford said:
Thanks so much Marilyn. Appreciate YOU!
kmizen said:
Excellent response Ruth!
I struggle too with the same feelings and thoughts. God has reminded me this week of his amazing love for me from Psalm 139 as well. Jennifer read it as a prayer to God, you’ll be amazed at what God does in you as you do.
It stinks how the pressure from society and the ‘world’ can cause us to loose sight of who we are in Christ. It must break God’s heart.
Does that mean I like being overweight or wish my nose was smaller? No :O) but I know who I am. I know that God’s plans for me are bigger and higher than I can ever dream and I must think on those things instead!
We need each other!! Glad you were brave to share Jennifer and Ruth!
Ruth Rutherford said:
I often wonder how God’s heart is broken when we give in to the pressures of society to look a certain way — and think of ourselves as anything less than his precious kids. I hate that I cause him sadness in that way sometimes.
Thanks for your encouragement! And the big nose in your emoticon. How cute is that?!
Kurt Bubna said:
SO right on, Ruth! Love you and your heart!
Ruth Rutherford said:
Thanks, Kurt!
Tracey Lowin said:
I can identify with this girl word for word. I feel the exact same way. I am 31 and have never dated, nor has any man shown any interest in me whatsoever. I am definetly not pretty, even when I dress in my best. I am very plain at best. I have been teased and humiliated during my school years over it. I do believe in God’s love for me and that he believes I am good, but man does not. I am not saying God love’s is not enough, but that love will not change a man’s heart to notice me. He cannot change a person’s will or force someone to love me. I have wanted to love and be loved for so many years, since I was a young girl. So after so long, and no light in sight, I have pretty much given up. I can not even go to weddings anymore because they cause me too much pain, and I have begun to feel guilty for wanting to be loved by a man. Maybe this is a cross that I have to bear.
Ruth Rutherford said:
I’m so sorry to hear this, Tracey. This might sound cliche, but I believe it will get better for you. You’ve already stated that you “do believe in God’s love for me and that he believes I am good.” That’s a huge step in the right direction. Don’t give up. Keep focusing on the love that Christ has for you. The other stuff will fall into place. Try to stay positive — it’s contagious and just might catch the eye of a great guy that will love you and ALL your amazing, God-given qualities. Praying for you today, Tracey! So glad you commented.
meghan heasley said:
Tracey, your comment leaves me wondering. I think ou need to find the source of this overwhelming need to be loved comes from and ask God to heal you of it. Possibly the teasing you metioned. I was the same way, having been abused as a child, and teased for my looks. But through God’s love, I was healed of those hurts and while I still wait for a prince, I am not consumed by it. Until my time comes, if it comes, God is enough. And if God wants you to be married, a man will love you. Besides, seriously look around it’s not just what society deems as pretty people dating and getting married, the plain ones do too!
imakeeper said:
Excellent post Ms. Ruth!
This letter from Jennifer reminds me a lot of a cousin I have. Although on the outside, she is not your typical ‘envied’ beauty, she is extremely intelligent and bright. Some people would label her as socially awkward and super nerdy but really, she is socially engaging and interesting.
Anyways, she did not date (and I mean no hand holding, kissing, being asked out) at all. She would vent to me how frustrating this was and how come no one liked her and why hasn’t love found her. It was rough.
Then, then she was 24 years old when she met her husband to be at a Chinese language club. Immediately, the two clicked. Eight months later, they were engaged. One year after that initial meeting, they were married. Two years after the wedding, she is not pregnant with their second child.
Totally unexpected. Yet, everything worked out.
Always keep an open heart and let life and God do their thing <3
Ruth Rutherford said:
Oooh, “Ms. Ruth.” Love that! So formal and fancy.
I love your cousin’s story! A Chinese language club? What the heck? Who woulda thunk it? I hear stories like this often (not the Chinese club thing… but the waiting and hoping, and then meeting someone and quickly just knowing it is right). It’s so encouraging to me!!! The cliche saying that I usually roll my eyes at – “When you know, you know” — is, in fact, true. And I hope to find that like your cousin did. Do you think Chinese language clubs are listed in the yellow pages?
Thanks for sharing.
imakeeper said:
Well, that chinese language club… that was the beauty. My cousin is a completely American girl but LOVES the chinese culture. She went to the language club to practice speaking… and poof- her husband is from China and now they always speak it.
Although, he proposed to her in Italian– our family’s originally from there.
They are two peas in a pod. I don’t know anyone else who absolutely loves the Chinese culture and can speak it fluently just for fun.
Leelee Writes (@leeleegirl4) said:
My heart broke reading all these comments. I can’t even think right now.
Ruth Rutherford said:
I am feeling the same way. Overwhelmed by the sadness of some of these comments. I know God’s heart is broken too. We really need to build our fellow sisters / brothers up in Christ! The enemy seems to be on a rampage in the beauty / self-esteem / worthiness department.
Lori McClure (@lorimcspeaks) said:
I think it’s wonderful that you took the time write this letter. And I have a feeling there are alot of women feeling the same feelings that this reader expressed, needing to read your words. On behalf of women everywhere, thank you. Who doesn’t need to be reminded that they are beautiful?
Ruth Rutherford said:
Thanks Lori! Based on these comments and the emails I’ve been receiving, you’re right — there are a lot of women (and men!) feeling what Jennifer expressed. It’s sad. And I know God wants so much more for us. He is CRAZY about each and every one of us!
YOU are beautiful, Lori!
Paul said:
Awesome read. So true. I struggle w self confidence as well. I get caught believing all the ‘lies’.
I found that when I read and search and fill my mind with how much God really loves me, how uniquely He’s made me, and remind myself how jealous He is of my time, I am restored. In loving Him, I learn to love myself, and that builds confidence. Everyone has insecurities. Even supermodels. You’d be surprised what even they think about themselves.
We’re just renting this body. It’s much more important what we do with our soul.
Ruth Rutherford said:
I, too, have found that both women AND men struggle with this. It’s universal and there’s so much pressure on both sides. Love your perspective — God really loves us and made us each to be unique. It’s important to remember that.
Love your last line — “We’re just renting this body. It’s much more important what we do with our soul.” Amen!
Charlotteamiga said:
WELL Said!!!
Ruth Rutherford said:
Thank you!
organiconbudget said:
Thank you so much for such a beautiful encouragement. I really needed to hear that. I think we all struggle with insecurities and expectations, either single, dating or married. And we all need to be reminded of the “truth”.
Ruth Rutherford said:
You’re welcome! Thanks for reading…
Lauren Jean said:
I needed this today. For some reason, this is such an easy concept to forget or dismiss. So thank you. I really, really needed this.
Ruth Rutherford said:
The idea that “I’m not good enough” is way too common these days… but that doesn’t mean it’s something we shouldn’t fight against. So glad you read this post right when you needed it!
Nicole M. said:
YES! YES! YES! & AMEN!!
Ruth Rutherford said:
josephinedayco said:
I love seeing how God speaks through you to lift up others. You’re a blessing!
Ruth Rutherford said:
Thanks so much, Josephine! It’s a blessing to me, too.
siewkwan said:
Ruth Rutherford said:
The lies really can blind us to the truth. Why is it so much easier to believe the lies sometimes? I hate that!
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BJ said:
I too am like the Jennifer mentioned in this post except I am 39, never been kissed and never had a boy friend. I live in a small town, go to a church where there are very few single men (if any), introverted and socially awkward. To add to it I have had some violence directed to me from men both physical and sexual.
In my head I would love to be married and have kids and ‘live the dream’ but my head also tells me that the only thing that men see me for is to assault. I have struggled over the years with the realisation that God loves me because of what has happened to me. I have struggled with the idea that I am beautiful in Gods eyes and in the eyes of others.
I longed to be loved by someone special
Ruth Rutherford said:
BJ, you are a beautiful person. Don’t let anyone tell me otherwise. I can’t say I’ve experienced the same things you have… but I have experienced God’s love rescuing me from despair. It’s brought me through a lot and I know it can do the same for you. When you feel like it’s hard to believe how God loves you, just know that it’s not something you have to “believe.” It just IS. It’s the truth. You can’t change his love for you no matter what you do. He will always love you.
Praying for you today. Don’t give up hope that you’ll find someone special! He’s out there.
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Amanda said:
Thank you for writing this, Ruth. After going through a divorce a few years ago and started dating a bit this year, I was in that place of feeling that my looks or body type will never measure up to what men, especially the Christian men I have met recently, want in a woman. I dove deep into my relationship with God and for the first time accepted that God made me PERFECTLY in HIS PERFECT image. Seeing me through His eyes changed everything for me. Maybe one day I’ll meet a man who will see me through God’s eyes as well, but if not, I am happy for the rest of my life knowing that God made me exactly as I am. Thanks for your honesty and transparency.
Paul said:
Awesome. Encouraging to hear the truth, that God is the only One who can fill that empty lonely void.
Ruth Rutherford said:
Thank YOU, Amanda, for YOUR honesty and transparency! Wow. I am humbled. Your story is so powerful. God can work through even our toughest situations, when we see no hope or answers. I see that hope in you today, and it’s beyond encouraging. Stay strong. You are beautiful.
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a different daylight said:
Has anyone read ‘Captivating’ by John and Stasi Eldredge? It really changed my perspective on how God sees women, and the unique and beautiful role we were created to play in His world =D
Ruth Rutherford said:
Haven’t read it yet, but it’s been recommended to me several times. I guess I need to read it! Thanks.
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