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Men always complain that they just don’t understand women. We are so confusing and emotional and unstable! It’s impossible to follow our ever-changing trains of thought!
Today I’d like to rebuttal with a solid “I just don’t understand men!” You see, I thought I did, based mainly on the plethora of brothers and male cousins in my life. I thought I understood what was going on in those football-loving, romantic-comedy-loathing brains of theirs. But, alas, I was proven wrong this week, thanks to a very interesting Match.com fellow. His screen name (shortened for privacy) is FamilyMan — an interesting choice considering what happens next.
To: Ruth From: FamilyMan March 27, 2012Think I’d get a crick in my neck looking up. 
We have a few things in common, Christian, tennis, believes in growing in faith. I was born in Philly not far from Jersey. And am excited to start a family. I also enjoy my work. I also am not so laid back. Nature is great. I try to be more and more healthy all of the time. I wouldn’t described myself as being regularly on chill. I am open to debating. But know in advance, I am well equipped to win. I enjoy song writing. However, I am pretty much an unskilled singer with just barely a kernel of singing talent. Although I play guitar pretty well.
I don’t use kindle. I prefer printed books and hand written paper. I don’t watch much TV at all. Too many other things to do.
I am actually about 5’10″ but I have some work to do to get back to that due to a few injuries. But I make progress just about every day.
Wow! We actually seem to have a lot in common.
5’11″ is why I never bothered to read your profile.
My goal on match is to find a wife to start a family. If that is not your intention or you can otherwise eliminate me, then no need to write.
If that does not run you off, then please do send an email. Maybe we might have a spark.
Be still me heart. When I read this I thought, could this be my soul mate? Not really. My first reaction was a crinkled up face, followed by a dramatic jaw drop, followed by an “Are you kidding me?” I had to read it again, to count how many times I’d been put down and degraded in a single email. Answer: roughly 47.
Hey, FamilyMan! You might try not making fun of a gal’s height or appearance while trying to ask her out. Just a thought!
And then, I made the horrible mistake of reading FamilyMan’s profile. I’ll just paste it here verbatim, because I am truly left speechless.
FamilyMan’s Match.com Profile
About you: You have a healthy body. You are ready to start a family. You might also enjoy playing music or singing and staying active. You enjoy language, writing and planning. You are up for a fun game of tennis.
About me: It’s lookin’ up, but no match for me yet. I will be out of town April 15 – 24 and pretty busy until then.
Family and friends are the best. Others have said I am thoughtful, patient, talented and upstanding.
In my free time, I enjoy helping develop aspiring college and tournament level junior tennis players and adults who believe in the strength of the local community. I also enjoy spending time on my organic garden.
My thoughts: (and you know I have ‘em!)
- Even if I had a “healthy body,” as you call it, I wouldn’t let you anywhere near it.
- Yes, I’m “ready to start a family,” but not with a creep like you. I refuse to be your baby factory.
- Good to know you’ll be out of town April 15-24. I will feel safe to wander around the city at night.
- I think you just turned me off organic vegetables. Bring on the pesticides!
Remember FamilyMan’s closing line from his first email? Let me refresh your memory:
My goal on match is to find a wife to start a family. If that is not your intention or you can otherwise eliminate me, then no need to write.
Apparently in this man’s brain, “no need to write” translates roughly to “you’d better write or I’ll write you again.”
Sigh.
To: Ruth From: FamilyMan April 12, 2012Don’t be shy!
Crinkled up face has returned.
Hold yourself back, Ruth. Hold yourself back! No need to respond. You can do this. Stay strong.
Oh, shoot.
My fingers are moving independently from my body.
My brain has no control over them.
Eeek!
To: FamilyMan From: Ruth April 12, 2012Actually, I’m not being shy. I simply am not interested in a man that made fun of my height several times in his first email to me. In the future, you may want to try genuinely trying to get to know a girl instead of making jokes about her appearance.
Best of luck in your search.
And then I clicked “Send.”
I really have to work on my motor coordination skills.
~Ruth
UPDATE: A few hours after I responded to FamilyMan’s second email, I received this in my inbox:
To: Ruth From: FamilyMan April 12, 2012Apparently I had to insult you to get you to respond. Truth is truth. I would be looking up to you.
Just. Don’t. Get. It!
No response required for this one. Just blocked him from contacting me again. Moving on…
Kristy said:
His recent injuries have shrunk him? Did his spine collapse in on itself? I’m confused. (By a lot about this, actually
Ruth Rutherford said:
Ha! I was hoping someone would catch that! He may be lying about his age… and actually be an 84-year-old hunchback. If that’s the case, I can’t lie — I’m impressed he’s still hitting the tennis courts.
Marla Kucera said:
wowza. IS HE FOR REAL?
he’s obviously super self conscious of his height — so he turned it around like a regular charmer!! the thing is — THESE BOYS GET MARRIED and they still think nothing is wrong with the personality or severe lack of social skills!! gah!!!
on another note… there has to be a better way to meet good guys — the internet has nearly destroyed my faith in the dating process.
my reply: (just for fun)
you. are. a. complete. basket. case. love, marla (not having YOUR babies, EVER).
kmizen said:
Lol love your ‘my reply’. Nice!
Also agree, finding guys online has proven to be frustrating and disappointing.
Ruth Rutherford said:
I like your reply better than mine!
Love the all caps on THESE BOYS GET MARRIED. Ha! So appropriate, because that statement must be yelled for full effect.
kmizen said:
LOL Thank you for the laugh of the day. That is stinkin’ hilarious!!!
No wonder it’s hard to find a good godly man… who isn’t crazy and can put together a real sentence. lol
Thanks for sharing!
Ruth Rutherford said:
You’re right — his sentences were so short and sporadic!
“Nature is great.” (Fascinating.)
“I don’t use Kindle.” (Please, tell me more.)
“I wouldn’t described myself as being regularly on chill.” (What the?)
Amy Payne (@amympayne) said:
Yes, and the fact that he followed those with “Wow, we really have a lot in common!”
Ruth Rutherford said:
Ha! I’m a writer! That is hilarious.
But in his defense, he did say he wants a woman who “enjoys language, writing and planning.” Very specific.
Ruth Rutherford said:
UPDATE: I just received another email from FamilyMan. Oh, geez. Read the bottom of my post… and prepare to be blown away by his grace and gentlemanly candor!
Genevieve Thul (@gmthul) said:
One wonders what he would like you to plan for him, except for, of course, your due date! I am totally befuddled by his plan to “get back to” his “actual” height of 5’10″. Is he employing a traction stretcher? reverse gravity machine? hyperbaric chamber? time travel?
This guys is a genuine nut job. I wish you’d go out with him just once so we could hear about the incredibly inappropriate and demeaning date!
Ruth Rutherford said:
Genevieve! I am appalled that you would wish that kind of torture on me!!! But, you are right. It’d make for some great blog fodder.
Did you ever see that episode of Diff’rent Strokes where Arnold hangs upside down from the bar in his closet in order to stretch himself taller? I’m thinking FamilyMan is trying this… and simultaneously saying, “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”
Jen said:
A recent email I received…
Your legs must be really tired cuz they been running all over my mind. LOL (humor goes a long way). Could we sip on a drink or coffee and figure out whats so wrong with us at least?
my #xxx.xxx.xxxx T. text me.
#1 – I’ve heard the line before…in a list of jokes…didn’t think anyone still used that one.
#2 – I like coffee…
#3 – What’s wrong with us? Uh…nothing is wrong with me.
#4 – Text me – really????
Sigh….where have all the good men gone?
I still have hope…I think.
Ruth Rutherford said:
Wow. That’s almost as old as “Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cause you’re the only “10″ I see!”
My favorite line is the “figure out what’s so wrong with us.” He totally insulted you for no reason! Must be friends with FamilyMan.
YES, there is still hope. There has to be. Hang in there!
DW said:
To be fair line 3 is funny. I am sure he is a cornball, not every joke is funny to all and if it is well we are all just created equal.
It is better to attempt a joke that bombs than to never attempt it. I have plenty that bombed over and over again until it works with someone.
Line 1 is dopey but who cares it is an ice breaker and better than saying, I like your picture and would like to marry you and watch Star Trek on Friday and Saturday nights.
Good Men are everywhere you just need to take a step back and let him be him and not try to make him into what he isnt. Everyone has faults, Except Me, and it is how you look at those faults that makes him a good man. Even the greatest man is a dope and will always be a dope it is just what we are.
Sometimes the one you hate the most is the one that might be perfect for you and allowing yourself to be open minded could change your perception of him.
We are dopes, stupid and immature but when you love someone they stop becoming that and become the perfect man you always invisioned you would find. Dont settle but never judge or pre-judge someone. The biggest jerk in the office could be the sweetest most caring man in the world at home.
Ruth Rutherford said:
D-Dubya, I agree that we should give everyone a shot. We should be open minded. No one is “too good” for someone else. Sometimes first impressions aren’t accurate. I totally get all that (and have written about it)… but I simply don’t agree that “the biggest jerk in the office could be the sweetest, most caring man in the world at home.” If a guy’s a jerk in one scene, he’s a jerk everywhere. That’s who he is. And trust me, I’ve been around the office jerks. I guess I want the man who’s always sweet, always caring. He’s probably the nerd in the office, and I’m okay with that. I do hope you’re right about this part: “Good men are everywhere, you just need to take a step back and let him be him and not try to make him what he isn’t.”
Thanks for reading!
DW said:
Hard to judge someone in work and out of work, getting one side of someone isnt keeping an open mind. People are handle work differently than others and sometimes being a bulldozer or a jerk is the only way they know how to be to get things done.
“I guess I want the man who’s always sweet, always caring.” Good luck trying to turn a gay man straight…..
Joanna said:
For me it’s about Character. If your sweet at home and a jerk to everyone else. That says something about your character, and that’s not what i’m looing for. I don’t care if your nice to me but a jerk to everyone else.
Ruth Rutherford said:
My thoughts exactly.
Oleg from Kiev said:
In my country Voman is made to have baby and vork in Factory. If a voman is dat ting you call Baby Factory it would be the most money maker in my village.
In my profile I am only request to have Voman with no gold tooth in front as it can make refection into my eye and because I have only de one eye I cant loose 1 more eye because I would loose bowf eyes. I lost 1 eye from voman in factory wit baby.
I would like to met dis man because if I met dis man I vould askit him, vhat happen to your height how did you become small. I have sistra dat vould like to met him 2 she has much power in her body from pulling de plow much healthy.
Have a day good.
Ruth Rutherford said:
BAAAHAHAHahahahahaa. Laughing out loud!! Don’t know who this is, but you are spot on with your Rooskie/Ukie stereotypes. Thanks for the laugh!
Have a day good, Oleg. And sorry about your eye. Ouch.
Cristina Kalapuj said:
Cristina from Argentina, laughing out loud too.
Did this actually happen? May be he’s just trying to get your attention…. or could this just be a very, very shy guy that needs to “come out” strong? May be he just never understood the meaning of “strong”, or “gentleman”… for all I know he never tried to be one! Anyway, this is just a great “sharpening” experience.
Ruth Rutherford said:
Glad I could send the laughs all the way to South America!
I love that term… a “sharpening” experience. By the time I get married, I will be DANGEROUSLY SHARP!!! Watch out!
wesley.j said:
Wow for sure! On the brightside be thankful he did this by email versus in person haha.
But this guy is an embarrassment to other guys. I know we can be odd and confusing but please don’t lump us all in with this one. We aren’t all like this!
I can’t even imagine what this guy’s songs must be like that he writes.
Yeah I’m at a loss for more comments.
I hope it gets better for you!
Ruth Rutherford said:
I hope you and any male readers I have KNOW that I write with humor, and although I think FamilyMan is a complete douche, I don’t think the same of all men. Not at all. I know there are great guys out there. I’m banking on it!
I’d also love to hear FamilyMan’s album. Ha!
Thanks for reading and commenting!
wesley.j said:
You’re welcome! I enjoy reading your posts and the comments.
I didn’t think that you or the other readers lump us all in with this guy:)
And as odd as it sounds I’m thankful for a guy like this being out there. It gives me hope in being single and that it’s ok because at least I’m not this guy!
Joanna said:
hahaha! I would love to hear FamilyMan’s album as well!
“It gives me hope in being single and that it’s ok because at least I’m not this guy!”
I think this all the time! But then that person ends up getting married before me and I go back to thinking maybe I should be a little more creepy, it seems to work for them.
Julie said:
In addition to all the other things wrong with his email, this highlights one of my big frustrations with online dating: if you know you’re being judged by your words, why can’t you get the grammar right? The very first sentence of the second paragraph should have a colon before listing all the things you have in common… Etc. I barely understood a lot of what he said.
Of course, maybe I’m just a Nazi about that stuff. I once closed a match because a guy said “your beautiful inside and out” and I couldn’t get past the fact that it should have been “you’re”…
Ruth Rutherford said:
I feel your pain! As a writer, it’s tough, right? I mean… I’m not asking for Shakespeare… but the ability to form an actual sentence with a subject and a verb… that’d be nice.
Marla Kucera said:
what’s funny is that the ad under this post is for something called lumosity — your brain, just smarter. bwha ha ha ha!!! maybe mr. online dater should try it.
ps ruth yes he is a douche. i started saying dbag so it doesn’t sound as crude –but then on a tv show i heard someone call this guy a douche canoe. and i was dying!
Ruth Rutherford said:
FamilyMan could definitely use some Lumosity. Whatever it is.
Douche canoe! I’m dying, too! Hilarious. I will totally use that in the future.
Julie said:
PS You should write him back and tell him it wouldn’t work because you’d be looking down on him.
Ruth Rutherford said:
Nice! Or… “It wouldn’t work, because I’m already looking down on you… and you’re a douche.”
Kristy said:
Say it with a song?:
http://soundcloud.com/mikkihommel/douche-1
Ruth Rutherford said:
What?! This is SO going on my iPhone.
“Cause I want a maaaaaan… And you’re just a dooooouuuche.”
This’ll be stuck in my head for a month. Guaranteed.
dweebcentric said:
ah, the men out there who are desperate to pass on their legacy. reading his profile, all i could think was… he sounds like a dick.
Ruth Rutherford said:
Listen. I was just drinking some very expensive bottled water (because I’m a very important person, you see)… and then, upon reading your comment, I laughed and spit a bunch of it out.
You owe me $0.48!
dweebcentric said:
i’ll keep 2 quarters handy in case i ever run into you downtown. which would be really weird, and worth the 2 extra pennies.
Ruth Rutherford said:
Well, it’s now up to at least $0.82, based on the additional overpriced water on my computer screen. So now, you owe me a computer PLUS $0.82. But, I’ll round down and call it an even computer, since I’m feeling generous today. You’re welcome.
dweebcentric said:
a hearty thanks. i’ll comment with disclaimers from now on, so i don’t run up my tab.
Andrew said:
Yeah he’s a jerk, move on. Besides, baby factories have been illegal since the 40′s.
Ruth Rutherford said:
LOL. No, really… this made me literally laugh out loud!
littleduckies said:
I think this guy is funny. I do agree though, that his obsession with babies and nothing else is kind of creepy.
Ruth Rutherford said:
It was funny, actually. Just not in an “I want to marry you” kind of way.
littleduckies said:
I can see why not.
I guess I didn’t see it that way, because I wasn’t the one he sent it to, via a dating website.
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